The Jokeshop

A surgeon...

2009-09-18T17:36:00.001-07:00

A surgeon examined his blond patient after her operation. "Everything looks fine," he said. She asked, "But how long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?" The surgeon paused, which alarmed her. "What's the matter, Doc? I will be all right, won't I?" she asked. He replied, "Oh, yes, you'll be fine. It's just that you're the first person to ask me that after a tonsillectomy!"

Diapering a baby...

2009-08-05T08:01:00.001-07:00

Baseball great Jimmy Piersall explains how to diaper a baby: "Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Fold second base down to home. Set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate, and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, call the game and start all over!

You may not be a Redneck...

2009-06-09T16:10:00.000-07:00

You May Be A Taliban if... you refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer; you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher but you can't afford shoes; you have more wives than teeth; you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon unclean; you only know of two styles of vests: bulletproof or suicide; you can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against; you routinely carry explosives in your clothing but consider television dangerous; you were amazed to learn that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs; you have nothing against women and think every man should own some; you have a crush on your neighbor's goat!

Obscene phone call

2009-05-28T15:19:00.001-07:00

A lil' ol' Texas lady received an obscene phone call. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give to you," panted voice on the phone. "Listen, boy," drawled the woman, "if it fits in your hand, I ain't interested!"

Castles in the Air

2009-02-19T17:57:00.000-08:00

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

The prim librarian

2008-12-30T18:51:00.001-08:00

A bloke walked into a Glasgow library and asked the prim librarian, "Excuse me miss. Dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?" She looked over the top of her glasses and said, "Fook off! Ye'll no bring it back!"

Kindergarten...

2008-12-29T08:54:00.000-08:00

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, he class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

My mother taught me...

2008-12-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

The Farmer...

2008-11-13T15:37:00.000-08:00

One night, as the farmer and his wife were reading in bed, he looked up from his copy of Animal Husbandry and said, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She gazed back at him hopefully, smiled, and said, "Really? Prove it!" He frowned, said, "Okay," and left, leaving his wife confused. An hour later, he returned, all tired and sweaty. He announced, "I know that the cow and the sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, it's hard to tell!"

Located by Al Lowe

Power of Prayer...

2008-09-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

When the local church found out their small town was going to get a new tavern, they started a petition campaign and regular prayers to block the bar from opening. Work progressed uneventfully until the night before the bar was set to open, when a huge storm blew through and a lightning bolt struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were quite "smug" until the bar owner sued them on the grounds that they were responsible for his building's demise, either through direct or indirect actions or means. In court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. As the case concluded, the judge looked over the paperwork and commented, "I'm not sure how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

2008-08-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

I'm going be a bear

2008-06-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Karl

The Military

2008-06-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Orgasms! Men & Women

2008-03-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

Virtual Orgasms...

TRY the MEN first...

Courtesy of Mrs. ZigZag

The fence

2008-03-05T08:21:00.001-08:00

A man walked into a country store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if they sold condoms. Noticing his unease, she decided to have a little fun. "What size do you need?" she asked. "Uh, I don't know. Size?" "They come in three sizes. This happens all the time. Don't worry. We have three knotholes in the fence out back you can use for sizing. Just go put it to the test." When he did, she sneaked out the backdoor and was waiting for him by the fence. When he put it through the first knothole, she gave him a hand job. When he put it through the second hole, she gave him oral sex. And when he put it in the third hole, she pulled down her pants and did him herself. When they were finished, she ran back into the store. After a while, he finally came back in. "So? What size do you need?" she asked. He answered, "None, but I would like about 8' of that fence!"

Al Lowe

Punks and Airplanes

2008-02-26T10:31:00.000-08:00

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

The devil smiled

2008-02-25T10:57:00.000-08:00

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long"

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this sh*t is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on a bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

The perfect Carwash!

2008-02-09T13:38:00.000-08:00

Thanks Kerry

Water Pump

2008-01-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

A woman called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump. "What?" asked the confused parts guy. She said, "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." "A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" "A Datsun." As the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head. "Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps." "Finally," she said. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am," he said, smiling, as he jotted down "Datsun 280Z water pump..."

from Al Lowe

Toilet Cleaning Instructions

2008-01-06T16:42:00.000-08:00

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Christmas orders!

2007-12-21T17:24:00.001-08:00

Hi Everyone

A friend of mine is selling throws again this year for Christmas. You know what they are, the thingy that you throw over your bed to keep you warm. I only have the one attached sample to show you now. I may have already solicited a few of you so if this is a repeat request, I apologize.

They are $63.00 each ---- I know it sounds expensive, but they are really good quality. I am getting 2 --- one for my bed and one for my sofa.

Have a look, and let me know if you are interested. Orders are due by this weekend!

Angel emails

2007-12-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

Ok BE HONEST...how many of you REALLY ENJOY getting little angel love notes
from every person in your address book?
You know the ones with ~~*I love you so... here's an angel... and some mushy poem ....* ~~
And like the cute wasn't bad enough, they then THREATEN you with bad luck if you don't send it on to others and back to them to prove you read the email! A vicious tactic! Oh the nerve!

So here's my version:
Take the fairy dust:

Add it to one of those angel mails:

And PHOOF!!!!:

HE'S GOOD LUCK BECAUSE HE PROBABLY MADE YOU SMILE.
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED TRYING TO SEE UP HIS LOINCLOTH,
(AND YOU JUST LOOKED AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU??)

Thanks Mrs. ZigZag.

A real friend

2007-12-21T17:19:00.000-08:00

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens
your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders
soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend
has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend
comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A
real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real
friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend
could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an
argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend
expects to always be there for you!

The wishes

2007-12-21T17:16:00.000-08:00

A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"

Only in America

2007-12-21T17:15:00.001-08:00

Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

Enough of that Sissy Crap

2007-12-21T17:12:00.000-08:00

"True" Friendship
Enough of that Sissy Crap!
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems
that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises
that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy
little smiley faces on this card -
Just the stone cold truth
of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will
help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will
try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will
know you are plotting something
that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will
rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will
tell you horrible stories about
how much worse it could be,
until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will
use little words.
7. When you are sick -- I will
tell you to stay the hell away from me
until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will
point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath....
I pledge it to the end.
"Why?" you may ask.
"Because you're my friend!"
Friendship is like
peeing your pants:
Everyone can see it,
but only you can
feel the true warmth.

Thanks to Mrs. ZigZag

Why I like kids!

2007-12-21T17:04:00.000-08:00

Thanks Diary of a Gay Dad

Miracle Doctor

2007-12-21T17:03:00.001-08:00

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

First Name. Last name.

2007-12-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

At work...

2007-12-21T16:59:00.001-08:00

USEFUL WORK PHRASES

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my
toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the
cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh
nervously, and change the subject.

RedNeck Trouble...

2007-12-21T16:56:00.000-08:00

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, "SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER."

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL."

"YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER."

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, "MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY."

Thanks- Kerry

Why we love kids

2007-12-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

That's why we love kids

Thanks- Kerry

Post at Work!

2007-12-19T09:30:00.001-08:00

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).
The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion
leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

Typing on a laptop

2007-12-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

One fine, sunny day, a rabbit sat outside his burrow, typing on his laptop. Along came a fox, out for a walk. Fox: "What are you working on, Rabbit?" Rabbit: "My thesis." Fox: "Hmm. What's it about?" Rabbit: "About how rabbits eat foxes." Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes." Rabbit: "Sure they do. And I can prove it! Come into my burrow." They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing. Soon, a wolf came along. Wolf: "What are you working on, Rabbit?" Rabbit: "My thesis." Wolf: "Hmm. What's it about?" Rabbit: "About how rabbits eat wolves." Wolf: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat wolves." Rabbit: "Sure they do. And I can prove it! Come into my burrow." They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing. Meanwhile, inside the rabbit's burrow there was a pile of fox bones and a pile of wolf bones and a lion picking his teeth. The Moral? It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What matters is who you have for a thesis adviser!

Nope. I won't.

2007-11-02T20:05:00.001-07:00

I think this is not exactly "Cat got your tongue..." LolCats...

TV remote

2007-10-14T19:37:00.001-07:00

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Get them NUTS!

2007-10-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

Two Glasses of wine.

2007-09-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a
day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine.

The professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise

jar and proceeded wordlessly to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the

students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it
was, though more reluctantly.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar
was full. The students,having figured out the joke, responded with a

unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space
between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the

important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends,

and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and

only they remained,your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and
your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff. If you put the sand

into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the

golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on

the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important

to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness; get

the golf balls in first. Play with your children. Take time to get medical

checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run

down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the

disposal. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of
glasses of wine with a friend."

Wrinkled was not one of the things...

2007-09-15T16:44:00.001-07:00

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson - or maybe a Colt 45; I forget.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

The Police Mistake

2007-09-11T13:14:00.000-07:00

Quick Wit:
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A Woman's 50 Rules for Men...

2007-09-01T19:20:00.001-07:00

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

OK... I don't believe in all of this. Particulary Frederick's is bad! But this was funny enough to make me amused. I found it HERE. While looking for a picture.

Disorder in Court

2007-08-26T13:36:00.001-07:00

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Priceless!

2007-08-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

Read the following explanation before looking at the picture!
This picture is not doctored. Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.
So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death To Americans" (etc.) slogans printed in English?

Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English. Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army Sergeant!

Courtesy of Kerry Newman @ Lettuce Pray four Whirled Peas!

New Rules

2007-08-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.Com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some dork is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if this person is even supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam...I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?

Tell him

2007-08-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says,
"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.
Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

The Cat

2007-08-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked. When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”
The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at catching mice?”

New Drugs for women

2007-08-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by
reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ,
resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too
eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.

Courtesy of Naughty Boy

Work Jokes

2007-08-04T09:09:00.001-07:00

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Birthday present

2007-07-25T06:00:00.001-07:00

A woman from the records department stopped by the maternity ward for information for a new baby's birth certificate. "Father's date of birth?" "February 1st," replied the new mother. "Hmm," said the clerk, "Did you realize your baby's birthday is exactly nine months after your husband's birthday?" "No, I guess not," responded the mother, "but now that you mention it, our daughter's birthday is today, too." The clerk smiled and said, "Maybe you should start giving your husband a tie for his birthday!"

Joke from AlLowe CyberJoke 3000

When it's...

2007-07-21T16:23:00.001-07:00

When it's OK to ask for your money back!

Thanks Kerry from Whirled Peas!

72 Virginians

2007-07-14T18:50:00.001-07:00

Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.
Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

Members of Mensa

2007-07-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

All members of Mensa have IQs of at least 140. At one Mensa convention, several members at a local café noticed their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was a perfect Mensa challenge! They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..." "Oh, sorry!" interrupted the waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

From Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000

The Alligator Farm

2007-07-06T08:45:00.001-07:00

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

(Many thanks to Kerry at Whirled Peas for this one...)

Can't talk to Daddy...

2007-06-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

"Put 'em back"

2007-06-07T21:19:00.001-07:00

A man's wife rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked her husband to bring her some items from home including "comfortable underwear." Worried he'd make the wrong choice, he asked, "But how will I know which ones are comfortable?" She answered, "Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put 'em back!"

Poor Little Rich Girl

2007-05-16T12:25:00.001-07:00

The poor little rich girl awoke after a long night out on the town with her friends. She found herself totally naked and with a monster of a hangover, so she rang for her butler and ordered a strong cup of black coffee. When he delivered it, she said, "Jeeves, I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?" "I carried you upstairs, Ma'am, and put you to bed." "But my dress?" "It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I removed it and hung it in your closet." "But what about my underwear?" "I feared the elastic might limit your circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them." "What a night!" she sighed. "I must have been tight!" "Only the first time, Ma'am!

Men and Women

2007-05-16T12:20:00.001-07:00

Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

At about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"

Dragon Sex

2007-05-11T17:15:00.001-07:00

The Hot Air Balloon

2007-04-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Your marriage is in trouble…

2007-04-22T11:21:00.001-07:00

"Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing!' ...and you can't remember what it is!"

- Milton Berle

Smoke and Fire!

2007-04-22T11:18:00.001-07:00

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

The lottery...

2007-04-12T19:53:00.001-07:00

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

Tom's dream

2007-04-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

Tom's dream to marry a sweet, innocent virgin came true when he met Jane. Even after they had gone together for months, he decided to test her. One night in the car, he unzipped his fly, and said to her, "Want to see my wee wee?" She yelled, "No. No! Zip your fly!" Tom was overjoyed. The night they got engaged, he tried the same thing and got the same result. Then, on their wedding night, when they were finally alone in the hotel room, he unzipped his fly again and said, "Honey, now that we're married, you can see it," and pulled it out. She just stared at it. "Oh, what a sweet wee wee!" Tom said, "Darling, we're married now. You don't have to call it a wee wee anymore. You can call it a cock." She looked at it again and then back up at him. "No, Tom, that's a wee wee. A cock is long and thick!"

-Courtesy of Al Lowe...

Purse Stolen - again...

2007-04-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

Airplane Mechanic Logs...

2007-04-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Punctuation...

2007-03-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

The interview...

2007-03-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

Had a Bad Day!

2007-03-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

OK. I can't take credit for this one showing up in my email. It came from Dirty Couple in VA. Sexy stories in general, but this is hilarious! Here is the link to the actual post.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Ken. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I 'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is," he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled , "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works...

An atheist in the woods!

2007-03-03T11:59:00.000-08:00

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge
towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder & saw that the bear was closing
In on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He
tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw
that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left
paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist
cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You
deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and
even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you
out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Gifts for the Teacher

2007-03-03T11:54:00.000-08:00

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.

"No," said the little boy...
"It's a puppy!"

Menopause Jewelry

2007-02-09T16:35:00.000-08:00

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring for Christmas so he would be

able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it

turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big

fucking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

The Penis Wants a Raise

2007-02-03T15:36:00.000-08:00

The Penis Wants a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the
management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the Management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other
locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be Pressured and Stimulated in order
to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting
the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, Management

5 reasons not to be a penis...
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then Faint.

Random Information

2007-01-22T10:10:00.000-08:00

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

What's in a Name

2007-01-22T06:34:00.000-08:00

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in
Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he
had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in
order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have
to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is
centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather
by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a
name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you
will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able
to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business
together" the guy said and he left the agent's
office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope
sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter
and a check for $50,000. The agent awe-struck, who
would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the
letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir: Five years ago, I came into your
office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you
told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with
a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I
had too much pride to return to your office, so I
signed with another agent. I would never have made
it without changing my name, so the enclosed check
is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your
advi ce.

Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

A new priest...

2007-01-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Found at StealthBombShell!

Marriage

2007-01-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer:
"Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , to Love and to forgive him, and for patience. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death."

Words to take Back...

2006-12-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

*I was at the golf store

Comparing different kinds

of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type

I had been using. After browsing for

several minutes, I was approached

by one of the good- looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if

he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him

and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed

by a store that sold a variety of candy

and nuts. As we were looking at

the display case, the boy behind

the counter asked if we needed

any help. I replied,

"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically,

the boy grinned, and I turned

beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has

never

let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child

a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot

of problems with potty training

and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell

for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining

room. While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked my

seven-month-old daughter,

and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not

asked to go potty in a while,

so I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said, "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child

has had an accident, and I don't

have any clothes with me."

Then I said,

"Danny, are you SURE you didn't

have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that

he must have had an accident,

because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up,

yanked down his pants, bent over

and spread his cheeks and yelled.

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to

death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and

sat down.

An old couple made me feel better

by thanking me for the best laugh

they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of

Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female

news anchor who will, in the future,

likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict

snow but don't get any?

A true story. We had a female

news anchor who, the day after

it was supposed to have snowed

and didn't, turned to the

weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8
inches

you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to

leave

the set, but half the crew did too!

While on a flight from

New York ,

the Stewardess was busy passing

out peanuts and cokes to everyone.

There were about sixteen flights

lined up waiting to get clearance

to take off.

Then the other Stewardess got a

message from the Pilot

that the

tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in

line to take off, and to have

everyone buckle up.

Without thinking

she just announced

"Please buckle up, grab your drinks

and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".

No one saw her for the rest of the

flight to Houston, and all the other

Stewardesses were laughing

all the way and so were half of

the passengers.

Seamstress

2006-12-18T11:41:00.000-08:00

The Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water
and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for
their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the L ord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is
this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along
the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared
under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are
you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and
would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why
I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good
and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Us Women!

Guts and Balls.

2006-12-18T11:40:00.000-08:00

Difference between guts and balls, Medical Facts

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. In reality there isn't much difference since either one will ultimately result in death.

Lessons from Kids

2006-12-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

For those who already have children past this age, this is
hilarious.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Poor
woman.

Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq.
foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball
up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's
already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A
magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same
sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys
do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth
worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up
twice their body weight when dizzy.

HEAVEN AND HELL

2006-12-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

Heaven is...
the police are British,
The cooks are Italian,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is ...
Where the police are German,
The cooks are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

The Blond Guy...

2006-12-07T19:32:00.000-08:00

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Never Argue with a Woman...

2006-12-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Mom!

2006-12-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

Just a Mom?

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was
asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated,
uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the
recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a...?""Of course I have a
job," snapped the woman."I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, "housewife covers it," said the
recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day..I found myself in the same
situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a
career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title
like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human
Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though
she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most
significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was
written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in
your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't)
in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors
and out).
I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any
mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the
rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was
greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in
the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and
indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood! .
What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations"
and great grandmothers Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think
so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

Go ahead and send this to another Mom, Grandmother, and Aunt.....they'll
smile!
Don't forget there are some pretty awesome Dads, Grandfathers and Uncles
that have these positions as well and do a wonderful job!!!

May your troubles be less, your blessings be more and nothing but
happiness come through your door!

Husband V 1.0

2006-12-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

INSTALLING HUSBAND Version 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance - particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, MLB 3.0, NBA 4.0, NASCAR 4.2 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http//www. I-Thought-You-Loved-Me. com" and try to download Tears 6.2, and don't
forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory, and cannot learn new applications
quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Human Resources

2006-12-07T19:18:00.000-08:00

Subject: Human Resources Memo

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able
to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases
have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and Information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources